Choosing the life I live
I left my husband and our family home in 2012, but in reality we had already abandoned each other many years earlier. I was probably the more courageous of the two of us, certainly the risk taker, so the task of making it happen inevitably fell to me. I waited until our youngest child was 17 before I went, and we had almost a year of knowing and preparing for the leaving. Nevertheless, it was the hardest thing I have ever done.
So many times over those months, I felt small and unable. I was convenient and comfortable to have around, so despite the disconnect, my husband was persuasive in trying to change my mind. I knew I needed to offer us both a chance for a happier life, but it broke both of us in different ways to get there,
As I fixed my eyes firmly on the future, so many tasks loomed dark and foreboding on the unfolding horizon. So many inevitable outcomes terrified me. As well as dealing with pain and despair, separation and loss can lead us to overwhelming anxiety and fear for our future.
Some of these thoughts might be familiar to you:
- How will I manage to run and maintain a home without help?
- What happens when things go wrong and I have to deal with them on my own?
- I might not be able to earn enough money to enjoy my life.
- How will this affect my children and my relationship with them?
- I feel so alone and sometimes very lonely.
- Will I ever find love and happiness again?
- I am too old (fat/thin/short/tall/unattractive) to be loved.
- I don’t enjoy my work, but now I am trapped in that job forever.
- Will I lose other friends and relationships because of this?
- What happens if I get really ill and I’m alone?
- I am not able to do this.
- I am not enough.
- I am too old to be starting over.
I write this in 2017, where I find myself choosing the life I live and living – for the most part – the life I choose. How this became possible is the subject of this blog. I hope that, however raw your pain, no matter the depths of your despair, and regardless of the terror that claws at your throat in the night, you will find some hope and help within my journey, and come to share your own journey with me.